Hey Dad,
A friend from my time in Boston got in touch today. He sent me a song he wrote about me back then. It makes me sad to listen to. It reminds me of how lost and almost destructive I was during that time. On the surface I looked like I had it all – had it all together – great job, I was in school getting my Master’s and I had so many “friends”. The lyrics to his song prove this – he viewed me completely different then I really was. I was so confused and alone inside and yet nobody knew but me, and I am not even sure I knew it then. I masked the pain and fear I felt. As a result, I realize now, I let him and others go - good people; perhaps some of the best people I've met in my life. People who actually really cared about and loved me. I don't know what I was looking for - I didn't know myself or what I wanted and oh, how I wish I did. It's taken me a bit to figure that out - in love and in life – and I hate to admit it but I don’t think I am there yet. I think I will still be figuring it out until the day I die. I “wish” - or perhaps “regret” that I didn’t give him and other friends a fair chance; but I didn't - perhaps I was scared of what he could offer - the real thing and I was still subconsciously wanting to be treated poorly at that time. Sometimes I think I ran from Boston and from life; I haven't been back since. I reflect on my time in Boston often and cringe at my stupidity. He is getting married in May - chapter closed there.
Others from Boston have reemerged in my life as well. I hope I can make right some of the wrongs I bestowed on myself and unfortunately others. The period I am in right now in my life is like my own version of standing at Heaven’s door – reflecting on regrets and mistakes including; missed opportunity, lost “potential” loves and friends, bad decisions, set backs, obstacles and my insatiable fears. I have some underlying faith that in time all of this will make sense. Not today, but in time. I remember your sayings: “obstacles are placed before you so you can overcome” and “don’t limit the possibilities”.
Love,
Mel
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